Water Wings In The Turbulent Ocean- By Carol Ann Domanko

This is a story of a brave woman.

This woman found water wings of medication that support her when all her tools she previously used were not enough to be well in the turbulent ocean of her life.

#postyourpill

I came across this hashtag and thought I would also share my story.

To be honest, at first I was a little unsettled by this trend. When I dug a little deeper I realized that it’s because I still have residual shame around being on antidepressants. I’m a yoga teacher! I should be able to use all the tools I share with people daily to keep my mental health in check! Yet after a particularly rough summer of depression and anxiety, coupled with the uncertainty and stress from the pandemic, there came a point where I had to do something. I had days when even though the sun was shining and I felt like I SHOULD be happy, I couldn’t get out of bed.

The pressure my panic attacks and depressive bouts put on my relationship was causing it to crumble. I knew I wasn’t performing to my fullest capacity at work. My self esteem was at an all time low. My only saving grace was movement, but even daily exercise and meditation was barely keeping me afloat. I was also seeing a counsellor weekly but between sessions I would fall apart. I felt defeated.

I had tried SSRI’s (select serotonin reuptake inhibitors) in my early 20’s when I was at university. I had a terrible experience and vowed to never go back on them. Then after I discovered the profound healing power of yoga, that became my go-to and my salvation. I made it my career, my passion, and my purpose. “Heavily meditated, not medicated” was my personal motto. So I was extremely hesitant to have another go at medication, but I was desperate. I longed to feel better, to save my relationship, to abolish the dark thoughts, and to be able to live my life and serve my community to my full capacity.

At first I was extremely resistant. I hated that I couldn’t do this on my own, couldn’t do it naturally. I was frustrated that I couldn’t just be happy! What’s wrong with me!? I felt broken, weak, and ashamed. I also felt like a fraud. If I can’t rely solely on the tools of yoga for my mental wellness, what business do I have preaching them to others? I felt like my hand was forced. This was rock bottom. So I set up a call with my doctor.

I was pleasantly surprised at how sensitive and thorough she was with her diagnosis. She asked me about my relationships, my job, my sleep, my self-concept, my sex life, my diet, my exercise…we chatted for quite sometime before she prescribed Fluoxetine (aka Prozac) at the lowest dose available. She was sensitive to my concerns, which was so different to the experience I had as a young woman where I was just given a prescription and sent off. The first several weeks on Prozac were not easy. I had terrible insomnia and my libido plummeted. I wondered what the heck I was doing. Then after a time I adjusted to the dosage and began to level out. I slept better. I felt more like myself.

Whereas before the simplest tasks like getting out of bed and dressing myself was too difficult, now I felt like I could keep appointments, be social, run errands, and teach my classes without needing to hide away in bed the rest of the day because it took all my strength to show up in the world for short periods of time. I was coming back to life. I also began to realize this medication wasn’t a fix-all or a cop out, but a supplement to my lifestyle. A little hand up. Water wings in the turbulent ocean I felt was drowning me. I still had to work, to tread water on my own. I still needed all my tried-and-true tools. This was just one more addition to my arsenal.

Do I plan on being on medication forever? No. Do I feel grateful that I have access to this therapy? Yes. Will I continue to use yoga, meditation, diet, and exercise as my main tools of mental health? Of course. Do I feel shame over being on medication? Sometimes. But I’m working on that as part of my journey to self love and self acceptance. So if you’re on this journey too, know you’re not alone. You’re not broken. There’s no shame in strapping on some water wings when the water you’re in gets scary. The real shame would have been if I’d let myself drown because I was too proud to ask for help.