The Scale Battle
Where does our body image come from? How do we form a positive relationship with our bodies or a negative? How deep do these beliefs run?
As long as I remember, I have been obsessed with my weight. I developed breasts and curves at a young age. I was already bigger than most of my friends in my early teens. It didn’t help that my best friend was a tiny girl with a gymnast’s frame.
I still hate the saying ‘big boned’ because that is often how I was described. My parents lovingly joked that I had my dad’s spare tire (the wonderful weight that sits around your waist) or that I still had some baby fat on me. I remember being in the change room with my mom, trying on bras in those early, most awkward years. When I took off my shirt, she made some loving comment on my belly. She probably apologized for this comment 20 or more times over the years because she realized that it was a hurtful comment, especially at that stage of life. She just said it before thinking of how damaging this comment could be.
Has someone you love made a comment about your body that was less than helpful? The hurt from this comments can run deep, part of the healing is to know that hopefully, they are coming from a place of love. Sometimes we just don’t think before we speak.
When I was younger, I had no idea that my mom struggled with self-image. As an adult, I had many conversations with her about how she saw herself as fat when she was in post-secondary school. Going through pictures of this time, she would say “Oh those were my cubby years”. Anyone who would have met my mom in the last 10 years would have never thought of her as chubby, actually we were trying to fatten her up as she had deteriorated to a lively package of skin and bones due to her MS and struggles with digestion. In hindsight, I am sure that these messages of negative self-image leaked through to me, along with the pressures that most woman feel to look a certain way.
What pressures did you feel growing up? What images surrounded you as a child and early teen? What messages did you receive about your body? How did that shape your images about yourself?
I know it was very important to my parents for me to have a positive and realistic body image. My Mom and Aunt had a huge fight one Christmas because my Aunt had given me a Barbie doll. My parents had never bought me a Barbie because my mom did not want me growing up with this image of the woman’s body. I got to keep the doll but I am sure that it came with a big chat about how Barbie does not have Real body.
There was others in my family that were striving to set their girls up for a successful relationship with their bodies. One of my cousins has two girls. Her and her hubby are both over 6 feet tall and the girls took after then from a young age. To promote positive self-image, she taught the girls from a young age that they are loud and proud! This is the message that I would like to send all young women!
Despite all the efforts to shelter me from Barbies, promote healthy eating and positive self-image, I still managed to become obsessed with my weight. When I got married I was at my lowest weight ever. I did this my using Isogenix and exercise. I don’t think that these products are all bad. I just don’t think that they are all good. My problem was that I lived on 2 smoothies a day and did at least 1 fasting day a week. I was ‘healthy’ but also obsessed with my weight. Even at that low weight, it was not good enough. I still wanted to lose more. My dear friends that knew me well thought that I looked too skinny. Many people thought that I looked great and commented on how skinny I was. I didn’t believe that they actually thought I was that skinny.
When I was pregnant to finally started to accepted my body. I loved having the curves of a baby growing inside of me. I embraced clothes that hugged my figure. I had never worn clothes like this before. I did have a lot of morning sickness. the kind that lasted all day for 9 months. I actually ended up not gaining that much weight, but I measured fine so care providers were not concerned. Nearing the end of my pregnancy, one of my friends said that I was getting too skinny. This could have been a warning sign for me and others. When I had Jaxton, I was ‘healthy’ but very depleted. It’s true that babies take it all from you. I don’t know if this was one of contributing factors to my postpartum psychosis or not. I don’t think I will ever know for sure, but being so depleted from nutrients defiantly didn’t help my mental state. If you want to know more about this time in my life, you can check out my blog here.
After having Jaxton and being on necessary medication, I crept up to my highest weight ever (higher than pregnancy). The thing about being a mom is that you have less time to obsess about the weight gain. I think this was a blessing for me. I didn’t like gaining weight but didn’t find that I obsessed about it as much because I simply didn’t have time. I reduced my medication and in time some of the weight came off. Then I got pregnant again and, once again, loved and honoured my beautiful pregnant body.
My second pregnant belly at the Health and Wellness show.
After being pregnant and having another healthy baby boy, I am truly finding more self- love for my body. This is not something that comes naturally and I expect that I will have to work at this self-love for my whole life.
When I leave the house and realize that I haven’t check in the mirror on the way out the door, I feel proud of myself. I do, almost always, shower and do at least the basics of mascara and foundation because this is what makes me feel calm and well. I look in the mirror while getting ready but it’s a quick look without the same self-criticizing obsession.
I can now appreciate the love for my bodies baby bits! This is a full acceptance of this part of me that is there because I grew another human in my body. Maybe these bits are there to remind me what my body is capable of and to remind me that those little terrors/angels, grew inside me!
Flash forward to this year. When I did a cleanse in January 2020, I eliminated sugars. I even learned to love my coffee without brown sugar. I still had cream and coconut oil in it and still sometimes add a little sugar but found I do not need it. I stopped eating bread and other gluten products. I know that I feel better when I do not eat gluten. I know that gluten free is not in my life plan right now but for 2 weeks I chose to not eat it. I ate many more greens and vegetables. I learned that I have been neglecting my own needs for vegetables because my family does not eat them as much as I do. I felt great and my clothes felt more comfortable.
Then after the cleanse I got the flu. I was sicker than I have been in a very long time. I was feverish and nauseous and ending up living on mostly bone broth and tea. As I was able to eat again, I was craving foods that I had not eaten on the cleanse days like white bread and creamy sauces. I ate these because I couldn’t think of eating anything else at that point. Clothes become even more loose and I had to put another notch in my belts. I also stopped breast-feeding around this time.
I say that I lost weight but I don’t actually know if I did because I don’t weigh myself. The last time I weighed myself was about 6 months ago and it sent me into a week-long negative self-image spiral. I realized that it did not matter what the scale said, weighing myself was always going to be a negative thing, so I don’t do it! The weight loss was a good thing but I had gotten back into an eating pattern that was not supportive for my well-being. As I got back on track, I maintained the weight loss for the most part.
There were weeks when clothes felt tighter, usually around my cycle or after a weekend of indulging but in the big picture I was feeling pretty good. I was inspired by the members of the Healthy Weight for Life Facebook Group and decided to do another cleanse in May. This time it was tougher to stay away from sugars and I did not notice the same shift in my body as the first time. This was frustrating and there were many tempting times that I wanted to get on the scale, just to see, but I did not. I continued to trust my belts, my jeans and how my body felt to be my true guides.
People have commented that I have lost weight and I say thanks, I have been trying. I still love hearing this, so if you have said this to me or think it, say it. It probably helps me in my self-love;) I try my best not to let it get to my head because in the big picture, it’s not about the weight but about how I feel in my own skin. It’s about putting on a new outfit and feeling sexy. It’s about eating healthy food that I enjoy and not restricting myself because of what I think I should be eating.
I hope that my sharing my vulnerability, the conversation about weight obsession can start to be more open. I continue to support clients on their healthy weight journey’s and part of this journey is learning to accept all parts of themselves.
I hope that you will think about your own relationship with your body. Are you kind to your body? Do you have loving self-talk when you look in the mirror? We are all created unique and we all deserve to be healthy. A healthy body comes in all different shapes and sizes. I hope that you can listen to your body’s messages about what is healthy for you. If you want help learning to listen to those messages, contact me, we can figure it out together.
Love that body, it’s the only one you get!